Ten Easy Steps to Going to the Bathroom in Paris like Johnny Book

Paris is for lovers, who stroll long boulevards and sit in parks and share a bottle of rosé for hours doing nothing because there is nothing that means more to two lovers than doing nothing in Paris for hours. A key word in all of these lovemaking words about Paris lovemaking, however, is hours, and just because one hand is committed to holding the hand of a lover, it doesn’t mean the other hand should be helping you to hold in the wine that does not like strolling nor sitting for as long as you do. The good news is that if anyone could make a moment out of going to the bathroom, it’s Paris. The whole city is in love with making a moment out of things that other cities take for granted, like bread, or sitting, or lawns, or stuffed animals. It can also makes a moment out of going to the bathroom, if you let it, and Johnny Book does, so here’s how to make a moment out of going to the bathroom like Johnny Book.

1) Tell yourself that the same answer to how to go to the bathroom in Paris is the same answer to any problem anyone has ever had in Paris: Where do the words of Proust sound the best? What should we do for the next six hours in Paris because we only have six hours in Paris to get every ounce of joie de vivre out of Paris that we can? Where should we go to sing about barricade management after the damn king is back on the throne? The answer is simple and universal: An outdoor café.

2) Change your accent to sound more like Dean Martin and say to your lover, “How about an espresso? Oh, I wish you’d join me.”

3) Step inside the very first café you come to.

4) Say to your lover, “Have you ever noticed that these cafés have bars? I have.”

5) Go to the bar, which will be inside. If you sit down at a table, you’ll be expected to wait for the waiter and if there is a placemat, you’ll be expected to order food and it’d be a bit rude if you just ordered a quick espresso and told the waiter to step on it because, after all, Parisian parks wait for no man.

6) Say, Bonjour! as if you were there yesterday and of course you came back today because it’s part of your daily routine, and then switch to English to order your espresso because your waiter does speak multiple language so don’t patronize.

7) Order an espresso. Then say, “No, wait, double it.”

8) Warn yourself not to expect much conversation. The bar is the touch-and-go runway of Paris cafés. Nobody likes a blocked runway.

9) Don’t post your lover on guard like the Night’s Watch while you sneak into the bathroom. Non. Non. Non. You’ve bought access to the bathrooms as a paying customer. Head down those stairs to the bathroom, freely, ninja free, and whistling a Dean Martin tune.

10) Do the two-for-one bathroom special. Since you have already bought this right to the bathroom at this café, go once before your double-shot of espresso, and then once after you’ve downed it, because after all, you did just take a double-shot of espresso.