The Anchor. Cambridge.

The best seats at The Anchor are at the tables along the water’s edge of the River Cam. It can be tough to get a spot, but you don’t have to worry. You’re at Cambridge University. This can be figured out. This is the place that invented math. This is the place that invented romantic poetry. It follows then that the Cambridge Alumni don’t just give advice on how to find the area under a cosine wave or how to find words that rhyme with love. The Cambridge alumni also have advice for those wishing to unseat anyone who might dare be sitting at your waterside table at The Anchor.

Charles Darwin: (Christ’s College)

If you’re saying to me: Oi, Charles! There are many customers at the pub, but only a few tables by the water! Then I’m saying to you: Fu&kin’ a right! This is survival of the fittest. It’s called evolution. That old dude in Jurassic Park said nature always finds away. Yeah. It throws the bad ones away. There is no recycling in nature and if you’re strong enough to sit by the water then you will. If not. Welp. Maybe you should change your major to history at Cambridge because that’s what you’ll be. Blind watchmaker? More like blind fish and chips fryer. Oh. And if you are adaptive enough to your environment that you do get a table by the water, I’ll say this, it’s really funny to watch people punting for the first time on the river, because a few novices end up in the drink. Don’t worry about jumping in to rescue them. Either they’ll develop gills, or else you just got a little less competition for the waterfront tables.

Rachel Weisz: (Trinity Hall)

People might not be scared of someone waiting politely for a table by the water, but what they are scared of is reanimated dead Pharaohs. As if a living Pharaoh wasn’t scary enough. Trust me. If some peasant son-a-gun is sitting in your rightful place at the waters edge, then march straight to the bathroom, wrap yourself in toilet paper like a mummy, then mid-f&$kin bite yell, “Roooaaarrrr!!!” And watch those Scooby Doo mother f*&kers pedal their legs across that wooden dock with the sound of bullet ricochet. If that doesn’t work then just marry James Bond.

Dr. Jane Goodall: (Newnham College) (Darwin college)

You ever heard the term going ape sh#t? Anyone who has ever tried to sit at my table waterfront at The Anchor has. And people wonder why I dedicated my life to studying chimpanzees.


Isaac Newton: (Trinity College)

The fourth law of motion is that an ass seated at the waterfront of The Anchor will remain seated waterfront until acted upon my boot.


Francis Bacon: (Trinity College)

I coined the phrase, Knowledge Is Power, because I’m the only one who knows which chair at the anchor has a small notch sawed into one of its legs. It’ll break if you don’t know which one has the weakened leg.

Emma Thompson: (Newnham College)

Remember that scene in Love Actually when I basically made Snape feel like s*&t for buying someone who wasn’t me a necklace? Just use my monologue about making me feel foolish and guilt the hell out of them. They’ll give up their seat. Trust me.


Prince Charles: (Trinity College)

Just yell, “Guards!”


Ian McKellen: (St. Catharine’s)

Put on your magneto helmet and look at their metal fork with a grin. They’ll be gone. Works every time.